I walked over to say hello to a neighbor I hadn’t seen in a while. Immediately, I could see that things were not going well. Her husband’s health was declining. She said he’s dying, and listed his recent problems and diagnoses. She told me about the in-home care providers she’s hired, and how she can’t go anywhere for more than 30 minutes. She’s exhausted.

Meanwhile, my wife pulled into our driveway. It is her birthday. She’s late, and I know I need to be there for her and ready to go in case she wants to go for dinner. But my neighbor doesn’t know that because I’m just trying to be good listener. I think that’s what my neighbor needs, and comforting her is more important than my wife’s birthday for the moment.

She said her husband’s recent knee replacement cost over $200,000. But with insurance and Medicare, that can’t be too big a burden. So I callously commented that we helped pay for it, thinking about the Medicare contribution. She looked at me like I had 3 heads and said, “No you didn’t.” So I tried to explain what I meant.

The next thing I know she turned and walked away. I said I didn’t mean to upset her. She kept going but called back, “That’s just Bob being typical Bob!”

Whew! I came home and explained what transpired to my wife. She suggested emailing her. Here’s what I sent:

Subject: Sorry
Dear XXXXXXXX,

I’m very sorry I upset you this afternoon. My comment about Medicare was not meant to be mean-spirited. But your comment about “being typical Bob” really caught me off guard. If I’ve ever done anything that rubbed you the wrong way, you really do not know me. I might not be the most diplomatic person, but my heart is in the right place.

If there is anything I’ve done, please let me know.
Best regards,
Bob

As I reflect on this conflict, I think this illustrates why I just can’t seem to get along with some people. I am an analyst, not a relationship manager. I am attracted to detail, and things have to be logical. If a statement doesn’t fit my understanding, I’ll question it. But if I challenge someone, they get defensive, and suddenly I’m a jerk.

But if you are thinking about hiring a financial advisor, would you rather work with your alter ego or someone who asks hard questions?